Mariah Carey’s Pregnancy – The Plight of the Mariah-Child

OMG Mariah Carey is pregnant. Finally! After two plus years of keeping mum on the rumors, Mariah Carey finally admits that she’s pregnant. I think the real question here is… Wait, how has she not had that baby yet?

I feel like Mariah was backed into a wall with this one. Poor thing has clearly just been struggling with her weight for a couple of years now. She’s definitely just too crazy and self-righteous to accept that fact (i.e. the time she painted abs on her huge gut and expected us to believe they were real), but come on Mari-sies, you’re getting older and weight gain happens to everyone, even superstars. People have been saying she looks pregnant for so long that this was just the obvious next step. “Yes America, I am pregnant! I have been now for about 26 months… When is it due? Oh, about 7 months from now.”

But seriously, good for her. As I mentioned before, she certainly isn’t getting any younger and she really should have a baby. The Mariah-Child. She is Mariah freaking Carey. Someone needs to be heir to that fortune and I simply cannot allow that person to be Nick Cannon. But oh man that kid is super lucky. It’s like when Madonna had kids. I mean Mariah really is that famous, or was at one point, and honestly she is way more talented musically than Madonna could ever be. Sure, Mariah is a little nuts and over the years has begun to make very questionable stylistic choices and she is definitely going to dress this kid very poorly, but what’s so wrong with putting on a few gaudy outfits until you’re fourteen or so. If Mariah Carey were my mom I wouldn’t question a thing. I would put up with her bad style recommendations and all the rest of her shit. I’d be all, “Oh is that a velour jumpsuit? Rhinestones on the butt I see? Very nice! Oh no this is certainly still in style Mom. You’re so cool. Look at your abs… You’re so in shape. Can I borrow some cash? I really wanted to catch a movie later. Oh, a million dollars… You think we can do a little bit better than that? OK, five million is fine for tonight but I just don’t think I’ll have anything leftover. Oh, you’ll just give me some more tomorrow? I suppose that’s fine. This jumpsuit fits great, as does yours but that goes without saying. I love you, Mom.” God, it would be so great to be her kid. I would be the best son to her.

The only real hitch in this situation (there always has to be a hitch) is the dad. Nick Cannon? UGH. COME. ON. Mariah, you are sooooo much better than that. The father of Mariah Carey’s baby is a depressingly unfunny, ex-Nickelodeon star. Well, you can’t win ‘em all kid. Maybe it’ll prevent the Mariah-Child’s head from getting too big. Like the fact that his mom is such a superstar gets so bogged down by the fact that the father is Nick Cannon that it all equals out and the kid is just regular like the rest of us. Whenever a friend from school comes over to the house and Mariah’s in the room everyone is so excited and happy to be there. The kids will all say, “Your mom is so cool!” Then all of a sudden in comes Nick Cannon, most likely doing some embarrassing clown dance, a sad cry for attention, and everyone’s face gets red and all conversations stop. He stands there attempting to tell jokes to an unresponsive room full of people who at one point were having a good time and now just sit there stone-faced feeling very sad and empty. The kids finally decide to go play in a different room and Mariah just sits there with her head in her hands, trembling with regret. Luckily she has pills for times like these, Nick got them special for her. In the other room the Mariah-Child apologizes to his or her friend for having to witness that. The friend reassures the Mariah-Child that it’s ok, but they both know, we all know, that nothing will ever be the same again, and that this friend will actually not be coming back to the house anytime in the near or distant future and all hopes for a future relationship have been dashed.

Wow, being the Mariah-child actually seems a lot harder than I ever thought. Tough road ahead kid, I don’t envy you any longer.

JETZ SCALE: THIS IS A TOUGH ONE – LET’S SAY 2.5 JETZ – EXACTLY MIDDLE OF THE ROAD JETZ… AND WE ALL KNOW WHY. WE MISS YOU MARIAH… AMERICA MISSES YOU.

Glee GQ Photoshoot – The Wrath of Lea Michele

I understand I’m way behind the curve on this one, and it’s all probably completely swept under the rug by now, but I forgot to post this on Friday and it all needs to be talked about. Apparently there is a ton of hoopla surrounding the new “sexy” photoshoot for GQ featuring Lea “nose” Michele and Dianna “voice of a generation” Agron. The controversy, as everyone knows (“nose” in Lea’s case… because I’m cheap), surrounds these two girls, both in their twenties, posing “sexually” in a high school setting. Oh, and then there is that weird guy with the bad voice who’s legit in his 80s who plays Rachel’s boyfriend on the show and who’s name I can never remember. He’s in the little shoot too. Bless his heart.

First thing’s first, I really think Dianna Agron has nothing to do with this. Frankly, she should just stay out of it. She deserves none of the attention. My saying this has nothing to do with my personal distaste for her as an actress during season one. My saying this has everything to do with the fact that she is pretty much fully clothed in all of the pictures and barely acting sexy at all.

Now we ALL know who should be catching the blame here, no doubt the mastermind behind this whole shoot… that’s right, I’m talking about Lea Michele. She’s the culprit. She clearly begged to do this shoot. In her defense, she's had the toughest time keeping her clothes on ever since her brush with nudity in SPRING AWAKENING. I bet it was supposed to be this lovely, wholesome photo shoot that all went terribly awry when Lea showed up to the set in a bra and panties. Everyone probably kept asking her to put her skirt on and she would be all, “NO! BARBRA STRIESAND WOULDN’T DO IT AND NEITHER WILL I! I’M A STAR!!” Then she started belting the end of “Don’t Rain on my Parade” and her head began to spin and she projectile vomited split pea soup everywhere (no ham, she’s apparently vegan), and everyone just finally stopped asking her to do things because you know she just doesn’t listen to anyone. Thus the sexy photo shoot. Lucky for Lea, it’s attracting so much media attention, so she must be very happy.

Apparently tons of people are up in arms over this photo shoot and I don’t quite understand why. I feel like it’s a celebrity right of passage to do a sexy photo shoot to solidify your star power. I just don’t see what the big deal is. I guess the issue is that GLEE is targeted towards teens and teenagers who are going to see this particular spread and start acting…um…sexy? I’m sorry, most teenagers are acting a lot worse than what these pictures suggest. I mean obviously if Lea totally had her way they would be doing body shots off her stomach (or out of her nostrils…ugh I’m sorry). But in the end she realized that this type of behavior is just a little too pre-teen. If there is one place Lea truly knows her place, it is in the pre-teen world, and that even she cannot compete with America’s youngest hair-whipping prince/ess, Willow Smith.

In other news, seriously though, good for GQ. It’s a great magazine and deserves this type of exposure, whether or not it’s because of GLEE. In the end everyone will forget all about this shoot, most likely by sometime this week, if not already, and things will go back to normal. GLEE will go back to being a mediocre cash cow that was at one point a promising show with the occasional brilliant episode (the faith one a couple of weeks ago was my absolute favorite episode ever, airing the week after the Britney episode which was just… man was that awful), and Lea Michele will continue on her destructive tornado path to world domination, culminating, of course in a terrifying, fiery end to the world as we know it.

JETZ SCALE: 2 JETS – LUKEWARM JETZ THAT SHOULD HAVE BEEN MUCH HOTTER TO GET THIS TYPE OF ATTENTION. LEA - YOU KNOW [NOSE] BETTER.

Modern Family – “Unplugged”

Beezus and Ramona was Modern Family funny last night! Rejoice! After a lackluster first four episodes of the once brilliant show’s highly anticipated second season, MF thankfully busted out the big guns last night. It was just hilarious. This can most likely be attributed to the fact that Steve Levitan, one of the show’s creators, wrote the episode. Something that doesn’t necessarily say too much now-a-days… I’m looking at you Ryan Murphy. Seriously I’m waving and I would appreciate a wave back. Sheesh, the nerve of some people.

The episode featured some hilarious situations and amazing snappy dialogue like that which we were accustomed to during the first season; the Dunphy’s gave up all electronics and the gay dads tried to get Lilly (actually pronounced Rih-rry… I have a lot of Asian friends and they’ve corrected me numerous times) into a good pre-school based solely on their diverse appeal as gay dads with an adoptive Asian baby. Plus, there was the amazing Gloria having her innocence questioned when Jay and Manny start to believe that she may have killed the neighbor’s annoying dog. It was just a really solid episode complete with rat beheading, handicapped lesbians, a thank-you gift jar of pickles, and lot’s of laugh out loud moments. I practically died when Manny gets the shakes from his fifth espresso of the day. The characters are all so clearly structured on this show it’s almost awe-inspiring. Please let this episode be an example of what we have to look forward to for the rest of the season. If this is the case, there promises to be so many laughs in store that maybe I can finally convince Patch Adams to put down the clown nose. Yeah, I said it. Eh, whatever… Here’s hoping.

JETZ SCALE: 3 AND 1/2 JETZ - YOU STILL HAVE A LOT TO PROVE THIS SEASON BUT IT'S STILL PRETTY HOT. MAYBE PATCH ADAMS CAN GIVE YOU SOME ICE CHIPS TO COOL YOU DOWN.

SCREAM 4 TRAILER

OMFG YOU GUYS! THE OFFICIAL FIRST TEASER TRAILER FOR SCREAM 4 HAS HIT THE INTERNET! It’s the moment you’ve all been waiting for… if you all are me. SCREAM 1 (Most people don’t usually add the 1 but I like to for emphasis) was my favorite movie growing up. As a child I was oddly obsessed with movies I wasn’t allowed to see, so of course when SCREAM 1 came out on video I made my friend who had bad, uncaring parents rent it for us. Who would have known at the time that after that one night of forbidden pleasure I would never be the same again? I had tasted my first R-rated movie and there was no turning back. Honestly it probably could have been any R-rated movie and it would from there on out be my favorite movie ever for the next week. Actually it could have been anything… it could have been DADDY DAY CAMP and I would have probably loved it. Thank God it wasn’t because SCREAM 1 is actually a great movie. Obviously the novelty of forbidden movies, like SCREAM 1 was at the time, has worn off as I get older, but there is still no denying the place SCREAM 1, and the rest of the trilogy for that matter, holds in my heart. So you can imagine how shit my pants excited I was when I heard this trailer came out.

It was just enough to get my manties in a twist, a disgusting turn of events since I had just lost control of my bowels. There were fresh young faces, new twists on old rules, video cameras, iPhone-type contraptions, Hayden “the Bulldog” Panashamalamadingdong, ANNA SOOKIE STACKHOUSE PAQUIN and that other blonde girl who played Sarah Marshall once and will never be in a good movie again… besides this. And of course, this wouldn’t be SCREAM 1 (or 4 for that matter) without our generation’s finest actress – the only woman I ever truly had a “crush” on besides Buffy – Neve Cambell, as the ever-tormented Sidney Prescott.

Poor Sidney. That bitch can just NOT catch a break… much to our luck. *Note that I talk about these characters like they are real people because, well, they are (*not a fact). Sidney has truly been through the ringer. This of course is a metaphor alluding to the fact that she answers a lot of telephone calls, which is primarily what gets her into trouble in the first place. If I were her, I would just ditch the phone altogether, but it’s just so hard to be off the grid nowadays. But now she’s older and who knows if she’s wiser, but she undoubtedly has changed her name, I think. Then there are other old people/favorites, like David Arquette and Courteney Cox… Arquette? Should I say that? Too soon? Either way there is going to be some awkwardness on the promotional tour for this shit. What I wouldn’t do to witness it firsthand…

I just have one request for Wes Craven and the gang. Please do not let Gail die. It looks like she’s going to die. I don’t know if I’m emotionally prepared to handle it. Let’s face it; all these old characters will probably die because there is no way to fit them properly into this new young cast. From what I hear they are attempting to start a whole new trilogy here, and to that I say bring it on, but I really hope we get to keep our old favorite characters. Did anyone else feel really slighted when Randy died in the second one? It just felt like a definite misstep on the writer’s part, so they brought him back in this weird videotape confession in the third one. God that was strange. Hopefully by the time the sixth one comes Sidney, Gail, and Deputy Dewey will all still be alive and so old that they can just die of natural causes. That would be nice. Real nice actually. A very soothing end to the whole experience. It will be much easier that way, especially for me. Oh well, who knows. Either way, April 15^th cannot come soon enough.

WATCH HERE: movies.yahoo.com/movie/1810035905/video/22546290

JETZ SCALE: 4 JETZ… I LOVE SCREAM AND WHILE THIS TRAILER NEEDS TO COOL IT’S JETZ IT LOSES ONE BECAUSE IT’S NOT OUT YET

SPIRIT DAY - 10/20/2010

I understand that this is only my third post and this is supposed to be a funny blog but I have to get a little serious here for a second. Today, October 20^th, 2010, people are wearing purple to commemorate the LGBT kids who recently took their own lives because they were being bullied so badly. Look, I’m no celebrity, I’m not a Kardashian, and despite being from Jersey I’m not on any of the shows, nor am I some self-important person thinking I can change anything by writing this, but I have several things to say on the matter, so I figured why not do it here. Bullies are shitheads. They are losers with no class and no discernible style or skill who try to wield what little power they have by abusing others using whatever they have at their disposal. Sometimes it’s verbal abuse; sometimes it’s aggressive physical abuse. I don’t want to play into this “it gets better” movement because, as noble as it is, I think it sends a little bit of the wrong message. Life is hard for everyone. It’s complicated and not always great, especially adolescence, but it is never not worth living.

I can’t imagine how anyone would believe that being gay is a choice. Like one day eating lunch one suddenly stops and thinks, “You know, the gays really have it good. I want that! After I’m done with this sandwich I’m gonna go find my same sex soul-mate and marry them! Oh wait…” Growing up gay is especially tough. As supportive as your family and friends may be, there is still no easy way to be gay. There is a ton of confusion and torment that goes on in your head once you begin to realize that you are different. Think about all the strange shit that goes on in your body during puberty and then multiply it by the fact that you are suddenly realizing that you just don’t match up with everyone else. You don’t desire the same things that other boys or girls your age do, you suddenly can’t relate to their interests anymore, and you begin to disconnect from the “norm.” That is an incredibly difficult thing to accept. Then, imagine not only coming to terms with and accepting the fact that you feel that way (which many don’t), but also mustering up the courage to tell the people you love. By coming out to them you risk losing their respect and potentially ruining your entire relationship. Being gay doesn’t only affect you; it truly affects everyone around you in some way or another. Imagine, especially as a child, carrying that weight around on your shoulders. Pile on ridicule from bullies who just don’t understand and can’t accept the life that they believe you “chose” for yourself. Yeah… get the picture? It’s hell.

The only advice I can give if by any chance anyone in that situation is reading this is that it is so important to stay true to yourself and your convictions. Know what you are passionate about and focus on that. Stick with it. Find the people who love and accept you and stick with them, you’ll forge incredible bonds that will last you a lifetime. The most important thing is to never compromise yourself or your beliefs. Never shy away from who you are or what you are about for anyone. You have one life and remember this one’s for you, not anyone else. Just stay strong and know that there are plenty of other people who have felt lost and alone just like you. Seek help from others.

Wearing purple is all well and good. We need to commemorate these children as best we can, but in the end purple just will not remotely do the trick, nor will it bring them back. These kids will not have a life anymore, nor will they have any more opportunities to see what life has to offer. Their parents will not see them again, nor will their siblings, their grandparents, or their friends. But enough about these kids who could have gone on to become successful doctors, lawyers, authors, politicians; they, nor we, will be able to see where they could have gone. Let’s turn our focus to the bullies for a second. What else can I say… I hope you learned your lesson? I hope you’re really proud of yourselves? Have fun peaking in middle school. Enjoy it while it lasts. And to those who would even think of taking their life, all I can say is don’t. You are special and you are definitely loved. You may not feel like it right now, but you are awesome, and why deprive anyone else of experiencing your awesomeness. And while everyone deserves the chance to bask in your coolness, the most important of those people is you. Give yourself that opportunity. Peace.

JETZ SCALE:

BULLYING: ABSOLUTELY NO JETZ… ZERO

LIFE: 5 JETZ – LIFE IS SO HOT RIGHT NOW… LET’S ALL ENJOY WHAT IT HAS TO OFFER PEACEFULLY

Willow Smith's "Whip Your Hair" video

So the interwebs is all a-twitter (technical term) today with the release of Willow Smith's new music video, "Whip Your Hair." In case you've been living in a shoe, which is a highly uncomfortable living arrangement if I may be so bold as to say, Willow Smith is the son/daughter of Will and Jada Pinkett Smith. The latest creation in what will undoubtedly be a long assembly line of sassy, marketable, music/movie star crossover Smith's.

Ah, what is there to say about Willow Smith? He/she is 9, which Will and Jada have apparently decided is a completely appropriate age to unleash this child unto the world, and frankly I couldn't agree more. This bitch can work it. He/she is good! The song is... um... I don't know. Fine? I guess. Repetitive is a much more appropriate term, but one thing that cannot be denied is that this kid is a natural performer. I have a little bit of a hard time relating seeing as I'm not directly related to the Smith's, nor am I 9. Oh, and I've never worn a weave. OK fine, just that once. Alls I know is that when I whip my hair I do it with a little less finesse and a little larger of a chip on my shoulder than young Willow. Willow, the pioneer of the the next generation of stars. Paving the way for celebrities with an age that includes only a single digit (or less), Willow sashays around whipping his or her paint-dipped hair at things, with attitude. And bedazzled lips.

Much like Britney Spears' influential video to "...Baby One More Time," this video takes place in a school, I think. Either way, there is clearly very little color or style in this school. Stupid school. Soon enough though, thanks to the paint from his/her hair-whipping, Willow has transformed the school into a colorful and very unruly environment complete with breakdancing teachers and babies. It may be subtle, but little Willow's social commentary about the public school system these days packs a powerful punch. This 9-year old is way wise beyond his/her years. It's reassuring to see that the Fresh Prince is not blind to the plights of his society, as we can see through his next of kin.

All in all, the video is kind of cool. This kid can dance and obviously has talent but to be completely honest I just do NOT understand what this fascination is with children stars lately. And when I say children I mean kids that are not mentally capable enough yet to read. But, you got to give credit where credit is due and at least Willow Smith has talent, which is a lot more than you can say about many now-a-days.

Oh, and the video keeps getting removed from everywhere so good luck finding it.

JETZ SCALE: 3 AND 1/2 JETZ - THESE JETZ ARE PRETTY HEATED, BUT DON'T LET THEM SIT TOO LONG BECAUSE IN TEN MINUTES THEY'LL BE TOTALLY ROOM TEMPERATURE

JACKASS 3D

JACKASS 3D

Just when you thought movies would never be good again and had just about lost hope in society altogether, along comes a “little movie who could” that completely restores your faith in filmmaking and pretty much humanity as a whole. The movie that I am referring to (as if you couldn’t already guess) is of course JACKASS 3D. A glorious ball-buster in the most biblical sense of the term, JACKASS 3D is a hilarious, mile-a-minute movie that literally had my friends and I screaming with laughter.

You know, sometimes I can admittedly get a little high brow with my entertainment choices. Plus I have very strong opinions on what constitutes what’s good and what’s not, but on the other hand I can also go about as low as you go on the totem pole. Sometimes I just want to watch trash. Frankly, I’m not afraid to admit it. Sure, there are stunning performances by actors that will deservedly go down in the record books of my mind; Charlize Theron in MONSTER, Sean Penn in MILK, What’s-Her-Face who plays Regina in MEAN GIRLS. But can someone tell me WHY do these guys not get the credit they deserve? They are comedic geniuses. Johnny Knoxville and his crew utilize and feed off of our most visceral gut responses. Real artists suffer for their art and I don’t give a shit what any know-it-all reviewer says, this shit is art, and man do these guys suffer. Their achievements should not be handled lightly.

These guys came from absolutely nothing and built an empire as an outrageous band of “idiots.” Love them or hate them (with NO in between), they revolutionized a completely new form of comedy. These are no idiots. There is truly nothing funnier than to be sitting in the comfort of your own home safe and sound, or in this case a movie theater, watching other people good-naturedly do stupid, dangerous shit. It forces you to cringe, to gasp, to scream, and to laugh your ass off, which in and of itself is a form of exercise. If you really examine it, we should be thanking these guys for helping America get fit.

It comes as no surprise to me that this movie made over $50 million in its opening weekend, shattering previous October box office records. It is completely well deserved. Despite being a little tiresome after a while this movie delivers so strongly on all cylinders. I laughed, I cried, I think I peed my pants a little. OK, a lot. If you love to be entertained, run to see this movie. And while you’re on your way, hopefully a huge hand will come out of nowhere and smack you when you least expect it, because that is some funny shit. If there’s a bag of flour on the huge hand that explodes all over you, consider yourself even luckier because now you are “antiqued” and it just makes you all the more fancy.

JETZ SCALE: 5 OVERHEATED JETZ - THE ONLY THING THAT CAN COOL THIS MOVIES JETZ IS A BUCKET OF ICE AND AN EXTINGUISHER BECAUSE THESE JETZ ARE ON FIRE