OMG Mariah Carey is pregnant. Finally! After two plus years of keeping mum on the rumors, Mariah Carey finally admits that she’s pregnant. I think the real question here is… Wait, how has she not had that baby yet?
I feel like Mariah was backed into a wall with this one. Poor thing has clearly just been struggling with her weight for a couple of years now. She’s definitely just too crazy and self-righteous to accept that fact (i.e. the time she painted abs on her huge gut and expected us to believe they were real), but come on Mari-sies, you’re getting older and weight gain happens to everyone, even superstars. People have been saying she looks pregnant for so long that this was just the obvious next step. “Yes America, I am pregnant! I have been now for about 26 months… When is it due? Oh, about 7 months from now.”
But seriously, good for her. As I mentioned before, she certainly isn’t getting any younger and she really should have a baby. The Mariah-Child. She is Mariah freaking Carey. Someone needs to be heir to that fortune and I simply cannot allow that person to be Nick Cannon. But oh man that kid is super lucky. It’s like when Madonna had kids. I mean Mariah really is that famous, or was at one point, and honestly she is way more talented musically than Madonna could ever be. Sure, Mariah is a little nuts and over the years has begun to make very questionable stylistic choices and she is definitely going to dress this kid very poorly, but what’s so wrong with putting on a few gaudy outfits until you’re fourteen or so. If Mariah Carey were my mom I wouldn’t question a thing. I would put up with her bad style recommendations and all the rest of her shit. I’d be all, “Oh is that a velour jumpsuit? Rhinestones on the butt I see? Very nice! Oh no this is certainly still in style Mom. You’re so cool. Look at your abs… You’re so in shape. Can I borrow some cash? I really wanted to catch a movie later. Oh, a million dollars… You think we can do a little bit better than that? OK, five million is fine for tonight but I just don’t think I’ll have anything leftover. Oh, you’ll just give me some more tomorrow? I suppose that’s fine. This jumpsuit fits great, as does yours but that goes without saying. I love you, Mom.” God, it would be so great to be her kid. I would be the best son to her.
The only real hitch in this situation (there always has to be a hitch) is the dad. Nick Cannon? UGH. COME. ON. Mariah, you are sooooo much better than that. The father of Mariah Carey’s baby is a depressingly unfunny, ex-Nickelodeon star. Well, you can’t win ‘em all kid. Maybe it’ll prevent the Mariah-Child’s head from getting too big. Like the fact that his mom is such a superstar gets so bogged down by the fact that the father is Nick Cannon that it all equals out and the kid is just regular like the rest of us. Whenever a friend from school comes over to the house and Mariah’s in the room everyone is so excited and happy to be there. The kids will all say, “Your mom is so cool!” Then all of a sudden in comes Nick Cannon, most likely doing some embarrassing clown dance, a sad cry for attention, and everyone’s face gets red and all conversations stop. He stands there attempting to tell jokes to an unresponsive room full of people who at one point were having a good time and now just sit there stone-faced feeling very sad and empty. The kids finally decide to go play in a different room and Mariah just sits there with her head in her hands, trembling with regret. Luckily she has pills for times like these, Nick got them special for her. In the other room the Mariah-Child apologizes to his or her friend for having to witness that. The friend reassures the Mariah-Child that it’s ok, but they both know, we all know, that nothing will ever be the same again, and that this friend will actually not be coming back to the house anytime in the near or distant future and all hopes for a future relationship have been dashed.
Wow, being the Mariah-child actually seems a lot harder than I ever thought. Tough road ahead kid, I don’t envy you any longer.
JETZ SCALE: THIS IS A TOUGH ONE – LET’S SAY 2.5 JETZ – EXACTLY MIDDLE OF THE ROAD JETZ… AND WE ALL KNOW WHY. WE MISS YOU MARIAH… AMERICA MISSES YOU.
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